Back to the Daily Grind??

I fucking hate that quote. Whoever made it should be exiled to an island full of AIDS-infested gorillas on Viagra.

Idiots generally post this onto their social media profiles during the end of a vacation to signify that they must go back to work and into the “daily grind.” This idiom comes from a long ass time ago when humans had to grind wheat to make flour and bread. Grinding wheat is not an easy task but in those times, people had to do it to avoid starving to death or being eaten by the people that have gone hungry because some asshole didn’t make any bread for them.

Ok, I understand that most people’s lives can be analogous to grinding wheat. People go to work just to make money and spend it on the little pleasure they can extract from life.  So what’s wrong with this idiom? It’s an admission that life has no purpose other than doing mundane, repetitive, and boring work. It dictates that you are merely a piece of a machine, rather than as the individual that you are. It states that the definition of “you” consists, merely, of what you do on a daily basis while your true self surfaces only when you are on vacation and removed from this part of the machine.

I have a friend who has a strict daily routine. Every morning, he wakes up, takes a shower, buys coffee, drives to work, works, gets off of work, eats, and spends the rest of the day watching tv/surfing the internet… and repeat. Actually, many of my friends do this. So does that mean it’s acceptable for these mother fuckers to use this disgusting idiom? Let’s think about this situation. How long is this repeated? Until the weekend? I guess people can use an enticing 2/7 of their lives to enjoy being themselves. Until a career change? Assuming that these people haven’t become complacent with being fucking useless, I guess that could work. Until retirement? So people can use their almost expired bodies to live life to the fullest? Until death? How absurd is that?

Just because you work a bullshit job or you do the same thing every day, your attitude does not need to follow suit. Every day, we should look at our lives and ask ourselves, how will today be different? We should look further than, “oh today’s jean Friday, so I can wear jeans to work.” Try doing something you don’t normally do, no matter how big or how small. Try a different hairstyle, eat something different for dinner, or go do something different with your time after work. Even the smallest change can elicit something unexpected or something new for you during the day.

If you look at the bigger picture, life is fucking absurd. We work to eat, we work to have a comfortable place to shit, we work to fuck and reproduce, and finally, we work to die. But does this work have to be referred to as the “daily grind?” Let’s go beyond the small talk, beyond the routine, and beyond our comfort zones to explore this beautiful thing called life.

Wow, Your English is Really Good

NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

Also not a post about Korean schools.

“Do you ever wish you were white?” Probably a very common question among minority groups in America. Why? Because, let’s face it; in most cases, it’s easier to be white in America and this always makes us minorities ponder:
“I wonder if people would take me more seriously if I were white?”
“If I were white, would the police have stopped me for driving too slow?”
Even Asians, “the model minority”, have to deal with having embarrassing and overbearing Asian parents that speak little to no English causing them to often think, “Damn if only I were white…”

Growing up in the 90s as a Korean-American in the suburbs surrounding LA, I didn’t experience too much intense racism but there are always subtle occurrences of racism that every minority will face. Even in the year 2013, I hear racist remarks every once in awhile. I usually don’t get too offended but it sometimes makes me go WTF? Below are a few of my favorite racist remarks I’ve heard from throughout my life:

Asshole: So where are you from?
Me: I’m from around here dude, where you from?
Asshole: Wait, no stupid. Are you Chinese or Japanese?

Different Asshole: DO YOU SPEAK ENGRISH?

*While hiking in Korea*
Me: Excuse me, do you know how much farther it is to the top?
Dumb American Girl: *slowly* Very close.
Me: Well you’re coming down from there right now, right? How long did it take you to get there from here?
DAG: WOW! Your English is so good!
Me: Ummmm… Yeah, I’m American…
DAG: Wow, where did you learn English?
Me: Umm. In LA, I was born and raised there…
DAG: Good for you. Your English is amazing!
Me: Yeah because I’m…. Never mind. How much fucking farther to the top??

Dumbass: Hey, so are you related to Jackie Chan? (or any other Asian celebrity)

*After killing a fly with my hands*
Student: OMG IT’S MR. MIYAGI!!

I never actually wanted to be white but I have always wondered what it’d feel like if people didn’t have these pre-conceived opinions of me upon seeing my chinky eyes. As a Korean-American living in Korea, I can’t help but think, “Damn, so this is what white people feel like in America.” It’s a wonderful and glorious feeling that satisfies my wildest adolescent curiosities. Although my Korean isn’t the best, people would never ask me, “HELLO, DO YOU SPEAK KOREAN?” when inquiring for help because I look like the other 50 million people living in South Korea.

It’s not the exact same thing as being white in America but I think we can all agree that it’s pretty damn close. This makes me contemplate my next course of action. Do I want to avenge 25 years of racism with more unjustified racism against the unsuspecting foreign English teachers and military currently living abroad in Korea or should I be the bigger man and let it go? How would it even go if I were to be just a total racist dickhead?

Me: 한 국 말 이 새 끼 야!! 니 할 수 있 나 ??
Unsuspecting foreigner: What?
Me: KOREAN MOTHA FUCKA!! DO YOU SPEAK IT??

I could also totally start shit with a bunch of foreigners and when the Koreans gather around with their cell phones to record the scene on video, pick out the Korean that’d looks like they’d most likely have a black belt in Taekwondo and mistranslate for him, “Dude, that Brad Pitt looking mother fucker just called you gay, man. What you gonna do?” (Koreans are very homophobic)

For now, I think I’ll just be passive-aggressive about it and let it build up. When it finally comes out and I kill somebody in a hate crime, it’ll be alright because seriously, it’s like being a white guy in America.

New School Year

YAY! Time to start a new year with new students and new co-workers. Luckily, I still have all my lessons from last year so I can just re-use all of them which gives me more time to dick around when I don’t have classes. Since a lot of people have been asking me (not really) about what I do in my job, maybe I’ll first tell what my job as a Native English Teacher is like.

I teach high school first grade students (just like last year) which is the equivalent to an American 10th grade student. Just think back to what you were like when you were in 10th grade and now think that you’re forced to speak Spanish (or whatever foreign language) with a native speaking teacher for an hour a week. Now, I understand 90-95% of what my students say in Korean but they have no idea about that: Anyways, let’s get started talking shit about my students which is probably the only reason people read this blog:

Apparently, my students were little demon shits last year. I had no idea about any of this as I thought, “oh they’re just regular high school kids” until one of my co-teachers from last year told me that one of his homeroom class boys was arrested and suspended for multiple accounts of theft. Of course that’s nothing compared to American students but by Korean standards, these kids are a nightmare to deal with. Those were last year’s boys. The girls on the other hand were the sweetest, nicest, and most well-behaved girls that I’ve ever worked with.

This year has been different. Most teachers have difficulties working with naughty boys. I think because I’m such a “bro” it’s easy for me to relate with the boys and be cool with them no matter how poorly they behave. However, I have a really bad record when it comes to poorly behaved female students. In my 4 years working with adolescents, I’ve managed to get multiple “Fuck you”s out of psycho female students along with many tears. Needless to say, I’m not very good when it comes to teenage girls and their periods. This year, my boys are angels and my girls are terrorizing demonic cu….s. I don’t know how other teachers do it. Whatever, they’re little girls. I’m a grown ass man. I win.

Something that I’ve noticed about these students is their level of perversion (boys and girls). My computer’s been having problems lately so whenever I show a video, it lags a bit and gets blurred like old school TV adult channels (channel 99 you know what I mean). Apparently, they still have these in Korea because every time I turn on a video and it starts doing that,

Student 1: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 야동 (porn)
Student 2: ㅋㅋㅋㅋ Teacher, I saw last night.
Student 3: ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 딸딸리

Of course if I laugh, then my secret of my Korean ability would be revealed so I have to try my best not to make any expressions.

In my next class, I have a psycho male student that comes up to me in the beginning of every class and says, “Teacher so handsome. Teacher muscle good” and tries to start feeling up my arms. Koreans are very homophobic so another student goes, “Teacher, him gay” and the first student says, “I’m crazy and gay. I’m crazy gay. Yap” to which I respond, “Good for you!” Anyways, I’m having the students play an English speaking game and I make them come up with an English team name. Unsurprisingly, the psycho kid raises his hand and yells out, “Teacher, we are team Redtube!” and all the students start giggling.

These kids are so damn perverted it’s crazy. Last week I did a lesson to get kids thinking about their future careers. I told them to be creative about it so I provided them with a few examples, gangster, terrorist, homeless, etc. One girl said that her dream job was to be an invisible thief.

Me: What? Why?
Girl: Boys locker rooms!
Me: ?!?!
Girl: To steal money!
Me: Oh… okay….
Girl: and see boys undressing
Co-teacher: Two birds with one stone.

And the best one that I’ve heard,

Male student: When I grow up, I want to be a porn actor.

I’ll stop right here.

You’re Welcome

I was on my way to my first class and I saw one of my favorite students. He’s one of the smartest boys at the school but he is also a trouble maker and class clown. For some reason I always see him in class or out of class getting hit in the nuts. Therefore, I’ll now refer to him as “Nuts.” This is how our little conversation went this morning:

Nuts: Hello
Me: Hi
Nuts: You’re welcome!
I give him a confused look
*Nuts runs away*

Earlier this week I had my last class ever with Nuts (same class as Gangster) so I allowed the class to ask me anything that they wanted to know before I don’t ever see them again. With this class, it was pretty much a Q&A session between me and Nuts. Some time during the session, I told them that I really like to lie (hinting that I’m able to speak and understand Korean) just to mess with their heads. My co-teacher walked in during the Q&A..

Nuts: Oh shit! I don’t like that teacher
*whole class starts laughing*
Me: What? Don’t say that, she’s right there!
*class continues to laugh*
Co-teacher: 야이새끼야 뭐라고했어? (The fuck did you just say?)
Nuts to co-teacher: I love you teacher
Co-teacher: 나중에 니 때린다. (I’m gonna beat your ass later)
Me: Okay any other questions?
Nuts to me: Who’s your favorite English teacher?
Me: Obviously it’s Mrs. Kim
Nuts: Hahaha really? Why?
Me: What do you mean why? She’s the best!
Nuts: Teacher, you said you love to lie!
Me: *speechless*
Co-teacher: You want to die?

Smartass Nuts.

Nicknames and Gangster

Almost everyone grows up going to school with a nickname. Unfortunately, I grew up with a lot of Koreans so my nickname became “이새끼야” (same usage as fucker). It sucks to have a nickname like that but after hearing the nicknames I hear my students call each other, I’m glad to have just been “이새끼야” (it sounds similar to my English name) because these Korean kids brutally give each other nicknames based on what they look like. I have about 5 students named “돼지” (because they’re chunky), “원숭이” (because he acts like a fucking monkey), “Myanmar” (because he has a California tan), and “Yoda” (go figure) among many others.

My neighborhood is lined up with Mercedes Benz and BMW cars which is a sure sign of a wealthy neighborhood. Just like in wealthy areas of LA though, you’ll find the kids from well-off families trying to be a badass or gangster. Typically, each grade has a boy that runs everything that happens at the school (who gets made fun of, who’s cool, etc..). This is usually the student that’s best at fighting in the school/grade. Coincidentally at my school,  this boy is also one of my smartest students. All the students in the class nicknamed him “Gangster” and he’s always knocked out in my class.

During class, I’ve been making students do self-study because of their upcoming final exams. I don’t take no shit during self-study time so I would continually say “shhhhh” to students (it’s better than saying “be quiet” because they think that you’re about to say 씨발). Gangster is obviously sleeping in the back because he didn’t bring any of his study materials. All of a sudden he wakes up and looks me in the eye. This is considered a very ballsy and rude gesture in Korea so I was a bit worried of what he might do. Gangsters from high school in LA would have been like “YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHA FUCKA, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!” and that’s what I was expecting.

Gangster: 야! 쌤이 입닥쳐라켔잖아! Hey, teacher said to shut up!
*Students continue chatting*
Gangster raising his voice: 야이새꺄 닥쳐라!
Student: 예. 알겠습니다.

And just like that, the classroom fell silent. Gangster looked around the room to see if anybody else was still talking and went back to sleep. I have also heard that most high school 3rd graders beat the shit out of students if they don’t listen to their teachers. I know students do respect their teachers more in Korea but I didn’t know it was the gangsters’ job to get their classmates to listen to the teacher.

Regardless, it makes the job that much easier to have such a powerful helper in class, especially when they have the potential to be one of the worst. Thank you Gangster for backing me up.

Blogging

After toying with this idea for several months now, I’ve decided to start up a blog since somebody said they want to see a compilation of all the funny things my students do/say.

I was never any good at writing but since I’ve moved to Korea, I’ve noticed my English getting noticeably worse, especially after revising hella newspaper articles that were pretty much copied and pasted from Naver translating. I often find myself saying and writing sentences that make absolutely no sense.

Because of the fact that I’m speaking and practicing my Korean for about half of my life here, I think my English will worsen faster than any other native English teacher in Korea. I’m going to use this opportunity to slow down my inevitable decline in my English ability. Feel free to correct me if I make any grammatical errors.

There are long periods of time when I won’t have any classes so there might not be much to post about my students. If there’s absolutely nothing to post, I’ll just start posting up songs that I’ve been working on or write about my thoughts about life and philosophy. Why? Fuck you that’s why.

I’ll try to update this blog as often as possible and you can surely expect to read/see all the funny things that happens at my school. I also plan to record my last class when I’ll be revealing to my students that I can speak Korean. I will also gather all of my previous posts from Facebook about the happenings at my school and post it soon.

Hope you enjoy!